Brain-dead by noon...but thriving!

I've had a few confusing times with taxis and some mis-communication at the house (ate some of the meat and rice in the frig - found out it was the dog's food). I've had a few grief-meltdowns, and I am still struggling to keep my eyes open after 8:30 p.m., but in answer to your prayers, I'm thriving.

Each morning, I walk out to the street to catch a taxi into center-city and meet with my tutor at the language institute for an intense 1 1/2 - 2 hours. Some days I stay for a few more hours and memorize a short script in Spanish. The large and beautiful plaza a block away is full of students and others of all ages, most of whom are happy to humor this gringa as she stumbles through her short monologue. If I don't have time for the plaza, I hit the streets near home - the goal is to talk to twenty people. By the time I slump into a return taxi, I can hardly think in English, let alone Spanish...absolutely brain-numb! But dinner at 1:00 with Mache, Cara and Ariana, a short siesta and some quiet time with the Lord restores me for another 2-3 hours of study. I try to push through emails at night, but sometimes it's a lost cause.

So how do I know I'm thriving? Because when I wake up the next morning, I'm excited about doing it again. The Charades and Pictionary mode of communication is giving way to actual conversations with my host, Lila. I'm quite tickled with the progress.

So thank you for your prayers. God is answering. Tomorrow morning I head out to a church retreat at a camp where I'll be dorm-rooming with 20 Spanish-speaking sisters. I figure if the immersion experience gets to be a little too much, I can skip some meetings because Ariana needs her grandma. :-)

Spring in Bolivia

After several weather-delays and an all night flight, I arrived in La Paz, Bolivia Thursday morning. At 12,000 feet I spent a low-key day enjoying family, walking very slowly up stairs and occasionally sucking in air from an oxygen tank. The next day Cara and I hopped a taxi to the center of town, and I registered for 50 hours of Spanish lessons with a tutor. My plan is to couple them with my Rosetta Stone lessons each weekday, so tomorrow is grandma's first day of school.

Of course, each day's highlight since arrival has been enjoying the gleeful antics of two-year-old Ariana. She's prepared many a cup of tea for me inside her pink castle. Right now I'm living with Ariana's other grandmother, Lila, and aunt, Carola, who live a minute's walk away. When "Zoe" arrives around March 30th, I'll move in with Mache and Cara.

God wonderfully provided a young missionary family, also expecting a baby soon, to live in my house while I'm away. In the busy weeks of preparing the house and myself for this trip, I sensed a curious underlying anxiety. It took me a few days to realize that I was apprehensive about leaving my space of grief, my familiar place of mourning. But I needn't have worried, I certainly didn't leave my grief at home! Cara and I have already had some tearful heart-to-hearts, and the Lord has tenderly met me in my hours of altitude insomnia with clear reminders from his word.

Please pray that I'll thrive as I build new relationships, refresh my love of different cultures and stretch this ol' brain in language learning.

The Holidays - Part 2

A Gentle First Christmas

Christmas in Charleston, SC was the right choice. Mark and Amy (normally here in Dallas) were in Italy visiting Amy's sister, so I joined David and Ryan to celebrate with Ryan's family. I was warmly welcomed into the Graudin family gatherings and Christmas traditions.

As we waited for the Christmas Eve service to begin at St. Philip's Church (founded in 1680 and the mother church to Anglicanism in the Carolinas), David pulled up a Facebook message from one of our friends in Ethiopia who posted a photo of their Christmas Eve service. I knew our churches in Charlotte and Dallas were also worshiping together that evening. What a blessing it was to know that I was a part of thousands around the world focusing on God's gift to us, our eternal hope, our light in the darkness!Was I aching? - absolutely. This beautiful church was where Steve and Priest Hank co-officiated David and Ryan's wedding. The memories were poignant. But as I spoke the liturgy and took communion, I found comfort in belonging to not only a world-wide Body of Christ, but also a communion of saints that stretches back for centuries. Past and present, all of them have known pain, but all have found God faithful to carry them through it. Christmas ensures "God with us."

And God was with me on Christmas day. A lovely brunch in Ryan's childhood home, gift-giving around the tree and a festive dinner with Ryan's extended family filled the day. Steve was never far from my thoughts and a few times tears spilled over, but I enjoyed the day. It helped to be away from Dallas and in a different family context, and I felt loved and included. It greatly helped that Steve and Tracy (Ryan's parents) were comfortable with my tears and felt free in sharing memories of my Steve. Steve and Tracy also know the dream-crushing impact of cancer.Tracy and I talked freely of our longing for heaven. And so again, I found comfort in being with those who knew God's faithfulness through pain.

God gently walked me through my first Christmas. He is my faithful Emmanuel. 

The Holidays - Part 1

God's Mercies When I'm a Mess

The second weekend in December was a busy one...
      lengthy Saturday choir rehearsal,
            wedding of seminary-grad friends,
                    wedding reception chock-full of catch-me-up visits,
                             early rise on Sunday for choir warm-up and trio practice,          
                                      Sunday morning Christmas program - uplifting worship!
                                              I felt so blessed, but...

I was spent. Each event had both filled me and drained me. I walked into my empty house and in minutes I was mess. While I ate, I grabbed a book on grief, hoping it would steer my thoughts aright. No help. I took a nap. No improvement. I took a long, hard walk, praying and crying as I circled the park.

 I wanted very much to get to our community Bible study group's Christmas event that night. It had been seven weeks since I'd shared fellowship with them. Steve taught this group for almost two years, and they have loved us so faithfully and tenderly. I didn't want to miss being with them. But I was decidedly not ready to engage in a frolicky-fun Christmas party.  I returned home from my walk, looked at my watch and plopped in the lazy boy. "Lord, you have fifteen minutes to pull me together and change my outlook, otherwise I stay home."

And God, in tender mercy, did it!

In those fifteen minutes, I picked up that grief book, read a short chapter, God gave me some insights and then to my amazement, he completely lifted the oppressive sorrow. I jumped up, made my appetizer and headed off to the party. The carol singing and fellowship and crazy elephant gift exchange (complete with shared memories of Steve and his competitiveness at previous exchanges!) kept my spirit smiling. I didn't frolic, but this loving group, who also misses Steve, drew me into the joy of the season.

Thirty-Seven Years Ago Today...

I was a bride.

Knowing I would leave home early this morning for Charleston, I set aside time the last few evenings to reminisce through college scrapbooks, diary excerpts, love letters and our wedding photos. I chuckled through the relational maneuvering of two strong-willed first-borns on a small college campus (yes, I'll admit I was the more stubborn of the two). I lingered over the tender expressions of early love. I delighted in the network of friends that multiplied crazy-fun memories. And I thanked God for the over-the-top joy we shared with family and friends as we made our covenant of love and faithfulness on December 18, 1976.

It hasn't been a tear-less day, but God's grace-gifts have lifted my spirits. The first came on the two hour plane trip here. I read through The Revelation - yea, not exactly cheerful reading material. But it strengthened me to read again that GOD WINS! The King returns in power and glory, and we'll never again know tears, pain, suffering or death. And yes, I will once again know the over-the-top joy of being a bride.

The second gift came after a delicious enchilada dinner David prepared for Ryan and me. The three of us took off for the beach and got there just in time to watch a spectacular pumpkin-orange moon rise over the ocean. I was shivering with cold, but stood transfixed as the rising moon slowly created a shimmering path from the horizon to the beach, glowing increasingly white as it ascended. God's creative glory on display left little room for sad thoughts.

So I go to sleep tonight with happy thoughts of being a bride, both in the past and in the glorious days to come!

God's Equipping in the Uncertainties

Many have asked me, “So what’s ahead?” And my usual answer is, “I don’t have a clue.” God has given me the privilege of a year to work through my grief and prepare for the future. I’m praying for his guidance and for preparation both of my heart and in practical skills, and I saw a specific answer to that prayer in Ethiopia.

Background: Over the course of Steve’s illness, I found I lost my ability to memorize scripture. It just would not stick in my brain, so I continued my through-the-Bible reading and dug deep into the Psalms and prayer. Oddly, just two weeks after Steve transferred to heaven, I realized my mind was clear, and I could memorize again. I felt desperate for a renewed vision of ministry, because for 36 years we've been a team, serving together was our DNA as a couple. What would ministry look like now? How could I even look forward it? 

For this reason, I chose 2 Corinthians 2:14-6:10. I finished memorizing it in mid-September, by the end of my trip out east. I've been meditating on it nearly daily since that time. When I arrived in Ethiopia, I found out that John Piper and Jason Meyer were speaking at a conference hosted by ETC (Evangelical Theological College where Steve taught). I debated about going since I had so many people to see in three short weeks, but in the end I decided that I might meet up with many of Steve's former students and that maybe God was blessing me with a spiritual retreat. 

I didn't know what their topic was until Jason Meyer announced in the first session that they would be covering 2 Corinthians chapters 1-5. I couldn't hold back the tears - God is intent on equipping me. He really wants me to get this passage! I still don't know what is ahead, but God is clearly at work getting me ready for his surprise package. Thank you for praying for my future - God is answering! 

Ethiopia in Retrospect

My plan was to update this journal each week while in Ethiopia, but my opportunities to connect to the internet were few and when available, short-lived. So, rather than give you the mother-load, I'll write this in mini-series form.

Some things never change...

All my travel went smoothly. I settled into my small, attic-story, SIM guesthouse apartment, rested a short while and then took off on foot to see some of the city (huffing a bit at 7500 feet). I'm amazed at the changes even since we were here 2+ years ago. The entrepreneurial spirit is ALIVE(!): new restaurants, hotels, hundreds of new apartment blocks and condominiums, vastly improved roads and even a light rail system, expected to be in operation in less than 2 years. It's hard for me to recognize areas of town because my landmarks no longer exist.

But in all the changes, I've been blessed to find that many things have not changed: generous hospitality, the warm cheek to cheek greetings, the priority of relationships, and the deep and loyal love of friends. These treasures have filled my heart in these weeks. Connections over coffee and unhurried conversations over meals kept me hopping on taxis all over the city. It has been as important for our friends to grieve with me as for me to grieve with them. And teary eyes gave way to smiles as I pulled Steve-stories out of them.

A memorable time of story-telling came one evening during my first week when the Kale Heywot Church Central Office (denominational headquarters) invited me to a lovely dinner and time of honoring Steve. The tributes/memories ranged from Steve's impact in the classroom to his response to loudly snoring hotel-mates at conferences. A few days later, I spoke during their chapel hour and  stories and words of encouragement and exhortation again spilled over me. Each time they prayed passionately for God's comfort and guidance as I move forward.

I shared with them the impact their lives had on us. It was watching the Ethiopian church walk through the pain-filled years of communism that changed Steve and I. Christians had no political power, no social standing, no human resource to bring relief, but they knew their God was sovereign over all. God wove into the fabric of our souls their model of dependent prayer and faith through great trials, and unquestionably their example impacted how we walked through this last year and half of life-with-cancer.

God is so worthy of my awe and never-ceasing joy - his masterful formation of the Body of Christ brings life-changing interdependence even across cultures! Bless the Lord, O my soul!