Yes...Long Overdue

I could never have guessed when I did my August post that it would be December before I would write again. Such are the realities of working full time, especially for a quinquagenerian! (your new word for the day ;-)

Last spring when I knew it would soon be time to look for full time work, I began praying, "Lord, please give me something bigger than myself, something worth waking up for. As the summer progressed, I suspected that would be a downtown job in an office where people needed Jesus.But on Saturday, August 2nd, I opened an email inviting me to fill a role in SIM International on a newly created task force to facilitate new initiatives. My plan had been to begin full time job search on Monday, August 4th - God's timing clearly got my attention as no one in SIM knew that had been my plan. Over the next two weeks, I prayed and sought godly counsel and sensed God's confirmation. I felt a little bit like Peter who headed back to his fishing boat after Jesus' resurrection, but Jesus said, "Nope, I've got another job for you."

I flew to Charlotte for orientation and to meet the rest of the task force. The welcome was so very warm, it felt like coming home. I was excited at the new challenges ahead of me and humbled  by the grace that handed me such meaningful kingdom work. Fresh grief hit as well as I realized that I was truly launching without Steve. But I knew he was smiling, ("I told you so.") as he always thought I should go back to SIM.

God once again proves himself Faithful, 

                            a Rewarder of those who seek him,

                                               the Lifter of all who are bowed down.

Of Toilets, Tasks and Treasures

"Oooh no, I forgot about this!" As I was cleaning the upstairs bathroom a few days before the family started arriving last month, I remembered with chagrin that the toilet had been leaking. I had intended to work on it right after my last guest left. :-/ I took it apart, clicked into a "How to" youtube video, took careful notes and headed to Home Depot.

Returning with the parts, I prayed, "Lord, I need your help on this one!" I took a deep breath and started in. Everything seemed to go into place, but of course, the real test is turning on the water. I bit my lip and frantically scanned the connections as the water rushed through the pipes. "Whew! Thank you, Lord."

And then there was the big task - getting Steve's books listed and packed for the Evangelical Theological College in Ethiopia. Eighteen boxes are ready for shipping. I'm just waiting for word sometime this year of a container going to Ethiopia. And lest you think I'm drowning my sorrows in wine, whiskey and vodka...I was instructed that these boxes were the best size and sturdiness for my purposes!

The treasure came with an all-family gathering here in Dallas at the end of July. Steve's mom and my parents joined us as well to meet the two new great grand-babies. I soaked in the delightful chaos of a full house for one week.

God is with me. Whether it's a plumbing problem or the longing for family, he's meeting every need in his timing.

Oh, and speaking of meeting every need...God has orchestrated my future in a way that has me in awe of his goodness. But that will have to wait for the next post. Thanks for your prayers.

The Last Tough One

I knew I had one more place I needed to process, but I kept putting it off. I just didn't feel ready.

Throughout the year I have very intentionally traveled to places and spent time with people in order to eliminate potential "grief triggers" or awkward moments with people in future days. I didn't want there to be a place or a person that I avoided. One place remained, and it was an easy walk away - the oncology center where Steve was treated.

One morning a week and a half ago, I knew it was time. I asked the Lord to make happen whatever needed to happen to help me keep moving forward. I couldn't have guessed what he had in store.

I spent time in the chapel on the first floor and then went up to the chemo floor. Lastly, the elevator doors opened to the floor where Steve had his weekly blood draw and appointment with his oncologist. I did a slow walk through two waiting rooms that were all too familiar. I knew this wasn't the time or place to dwell on the memories, so I turned to leave. As I did, I looked up to see Steve's oncologist standing in front of me - we both registered surprise! He graciously invited me into a quiet room where we spent 10-15 minutes in meaningful conversation about Steve and events since his passing. I left with tears flowing, but feeling both free of heart and awed that God would orchestrate this very unexpected encounter.

God is walking this journey with me, and his unanticipated blessings continue to bring healing.

Grandma is smiling!

Stephen Parker Strauss was born on Tuesday, June 17, 2014 (the day before his due date) at 6:39 p.m. Mark and Amy are happily adjusting to a very new normal. We thank God for a safe birth and healthy baby.

                                                                             5 days old

June 11 Reflections

Early Wednesday morning, I grabbed my Bible and hymnbook and headed to the cemetery about a half hour away. I hadn't been there since the burial service and wasn't sure how I would react. I'm sure your prayers made a difference.

It was a beautiful morning and a recent rain had greened up the grounds nicely. I sat on a mat beside the marker and prayed through hymns and read I Corinthians 15 for little over an hour. It was a comforting time with the Lord, a quiet peace held my heart. Considering that I'd polished off a full roll of TP in the preceding three days, it was quite amazing that I only needed one Kleenex in that hour!

One hymn that struck new meaning for me was one of Steve's favorites: And Can it Be? (And he always sang it with gusto.) The verses depict God's work of salvation, but as I read verses 3 & 4 I pictured Steve leaving his cancer-wracked body of death and entering the throne room of God, radiantly dressed in Jesus righteousness!

Long my imprisoned spirit lay, fast bound in sin and nature's night.
Thine eye diffused a quick'ning ray; I woke - the dungeon flamed with light!
My chains fell off, my heart was free, I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

No condemnation now I dread; Jesus, and all in Him, is mine!
Alive in Him, my living Head, and clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach the eternal throne, and claim the crown, thru Christ my own.

Amazing love! How can it be that Thou, my God shouldst die for me!

Another thought that struck me during that hour...How then will I live? It's sobering to see your name written on a grave stone. I don't know what year will be etched in that stone below my name, but I long to finish well. May God grace us all with an urgency to throw off everything that hinders and...entangles us and...run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

W.I.D.O.W.S.

Early one morning I was lying in bed asking the Lord to help me get over this word. I was still choking on it, my whole body tensing whenever I anticipated the word coming out of someone's mouth. Even now, when I check the circle for Marital Status on a form, there is still the thought, "This can 't be real."  It wasn't in the plan to be in this category of women.

But here I am - a widow.

"Lord, help me re-frame this word." I mused on it throughout the morning and settled on this: Widows are women  "Walking In Dependence On a Wonderful Savior." How quickly I relax now and even smile as my mind shifts to this acronym. The dark sadness of the word is replaced with comfort and security.

And that comfort lifted my heart as I spent a week in Chicago at the end of May, the last of my grief-processing trips. I walked down memory lane on the campus of Trinity International University (where Steve did his doctoral studies) and our church nearby. I relished blessed re-connections with many friends and extended family. My Wonderful Savior fed and restored my soul in different ways with each visit.

And now I'm back in Dallas - no more trips planned. But there is a big upcoming event - Amy will be delivering our first grandson sometime in the next two weeks or so. Amy is definitely hoping it will be sooner than later!

Mark & Amy

Thank you for your prayers for them, Cara and Mache, David and Ryan and me as we anticipate this Wednesday, June 11th - Steve's arrival day in heaven. 

Feeling Stronger...

I'm not yet Rocky surging up the monument steps with pounding rhythms spurring me on, but when I look at where I was six months ago,  I can see God's restoration work.

Too tired for emotions after 19 1/2 hours of door-to-door travel from Bolivia on April 30th, I was just glad to be home. I felt disoriented for the first few days. I had packed away much of my stuff to make room for the family that lived in my home while I was gone. I still haven't found some things!

Three days after return: I head to the graduation celebration for the wives of D.T.S. students, my first time back on campus. I reach for the door handle of the building where the event is being held and WHAM! - I see Steve opening this door and climbing the steps to his third floor office. I see students engaging him. I hear his voice echo in the open stairwell...I want so badly to bolt! And yet, I want to be here too. This is a special day for women I know. I head for the rest room and try to get composure. Loving faculty wives offer hugs and words of encouragement and by the time the wives show up, I'm fragile, but can interact and enjoy this time of honoring them and the Lord's faithfulness to them through these stressful years.  

But what was I going to do about next Saturday? I called on family and close friends to pray. Mark was graduating from D.T.S. on Saturday, and we were both aware it could be a very emotional time. Tears spilled for both of us as the ceremony began, but we quickly embraced the joyful focus on God's faithfulness to bring 380 men and women to complete their studies. I was a proud mama (!), and I knew Steve was smiling as a part of that cloud of witnesses as well.